The 1999
Purple Prose Parody Contest
 

August 1, 1999:

The winner of the third annual Purple Prose Parody Contest is. . . Claudia Terrones. For her terrific effort, she'll receive copies of The Elusive Flame and Mine to Take, both of which tied for Purple-est Prose in the 1999 All About Romance Reader Awards.

I first began this contest back in 1997 to celebrate the excesses of our beloved genre. That year, author Marsha Canham won top honors, featuring Randy Hawkesnose and Bliss, who, when she "threw her hands up to stop him, accidently pushed instead on the marble-hard bulge in his breeches. He groaned aloud as he felt himself swell to a state of turgid tumescence he had never experienced before in all his many years as a libertine and profligate debaucher. But before he could question his response, the buttons on the overstretched seams began to pop one by one, firing into the shadows like small bullets of desire, each 'ping' causing Bliss's pulse to race a beat faster."

In 1998, author Catherine Asaro joined several readers and entered a fabulous parody, but Doris Riley won the prize for The Queen & her Knight, which began with this poem (and only got better):

The king was in the counting house, counting out his money,
The queen was in her parlor, counting all her honeys.
She singled out the only man in mail.
For it was he, she intended to nail.

This year, I added a new dimension to our contest through the concept of the author homage. We received 13 submissions this year, and many were author homages. All of the entries were imaginative and humorous and wonderful. While the original idea was to write a love scene (or portion thereof) featuring as many oft-used phrases as possible, those who have entered the contest since it began have made it their own. More than a thousand people have read the parodies thus far this summer.

And now, without further ado, the entries.

Purple Prose as written by AAR Reviewer Katarina Wikholm:

The Garden of Earthly Delight

Blindly Chastity rushed deeper into the garden, her pulse beating madly. It had been utter foolishness to follow such an ill-reputed gentleman from the ballroom, but the naughty promises he had made had melted her coy resistance. Yet, she had not consented to being mauled and pawed, her bodice ripped, her skirts shredded until her ivory thighs were bared. Being a feisty and independent young woman, she had elbowed the cad in an impolite place and made her escape. But the inquisitive need he had aroused still burned in her blood. She had escaped the foul desires of that man, but she could not escape herself.

On rounding a bush, she caught sight of a man leaning against a tree and hesitated. He was lean and dark, his unbuttoned shirt starkly pale against the tree trunk. The sight of his hand stroking the bulge in the front of his trousers almost sent her scrambling the other way, but dark eyes and a sudden smile froze her in her place.

"I cannot believe you were looking for me, kitten, but it is me you have found. And you look like some fool didn't do his manly duty by you. "

His words pulled her inexorably closer to him, as if she was a marionette and he the puppeteer. Staring at him, she stumbled on an unseen tree-root and plunged forward only to be caught in arms of steel. She felt herself being pressed against a hard chest as strong hands traced the lines of her back and lightly gripped her scantily covered fanny. He whispered into her hairline:

"I can fulfill you innermost desires, I can sooth the urgent fire that rages through your body. Just trust me and allow me to show you the sensual marvels men and women can perform together. "

Chastity felt safe and comforted in the arms of this stranger, as if their presence at this time and place had been foretold in the stars for a thousand years. Of course she could trust him. Following her intuition she raised her head and boldly answered him:

"Please. Do show me. Only, be gentle with my untried body."

He bent forward to lightly kiss her pouting lips, dark curls tumbling into his eyes. The combination of that tender kiss and the sudden gleam in his dark eyes made her knees give way and she sagged weakly against him. Safely cradled in his embrace Chastity felt herself being lowered onto the mossy ground. A rogue moonbeam outlined them in a pool of silvery light and the perfumes of night flowers swirled around them. Dazed she watched him straddle her hips, and moaned softly as he bent forward to kiss her again. First her soft mouth, then the rapid pulse at the base of the hollow of her elegant throat, then finally his lips and hot tongue glorified the mounds escaping from her torn bodice.

Chastity could barely contain the gasp of admiration as he opened his trousers to reveal the ample treasures hidden in them. She had seen men naked before, but never one as powerfully equipped, as appealingly built as this stranger. Trembling at the look of undisguised heat in his eyes, she licked her lips with innocent anticipation as she watched him wrestle with his rampant beast as if he feared it would escape and savage her. One of his hands touched her silvered breasts, baring them further to the cool of the night and the heat of his eyes. Suddenly, his pearlescent shower of masculinity sprinkled dewdrops on her bulbous breasts and thirstily erect nipples. The shock of that hot rain made her hips squirm beneath his thighs of steel, eager for his magnificent rod to touch her, enter her.

"Contain yourself, my eager kitten. We have barely begun this dance as old as the world. This is only the appetizer,"

he purred as his deft fingers scaled the moistened peaks in magical circles. She arched her back to put her wanton protrusions more firmly into his hands, willing him to make this game more serious. The hoarse sound of ripping lace concealed her gasp of anticipation, as he tore off the damaged decorations of her bodice to roughly tease her nipples and trembling lips with it. The feel of the slightly rough texture of the lace made the need coursing through her a living thing, a hunting carnivore.

"Please. Oh, please. Impale me. Do it. Now."

He looked up from her creamy breasts and pulled his writhing tongue back into his mouth before answering:

" Sooo, the kitten is really a she-cat in heat. Since you ask so prettily, what red-blooded man could possibly refuse a lovely creature like you?"

He kissed her quickly on dewy lips while his hands roamed lower, folding aside the torn layers of her silken petticoat. Chastity buried her hands in his dark mop of curls and rasped gently with elegant nails against the sensitive maze of his ears. This very touch, she knew, was what had led her into the hands of that dastardly defiler, and surely its effect would be just as impossible for this man to resist. She was not disappointed.

Peeking under her sooty lashes, she noticed his bold baldness flushing more brilliantly scarlet and, as she watched, it began to wave and dance with urgency. As he slid lower to kneel between her spread thighs, she lost sight of his magnificence, but the sensation of perfumed night air on her private folds distracted her from this loss. She felt his fingers explore her, moving along her crests and valleys until they discovered the tiny cushion of carnal delight and staked their claim there with a rhythmical dance of celebration. Closing her sapphire orbs, she submitted to the lusts his touch fanned from embers into fierce flames.

Marcel gritted his teeth, trying to restrain his need to sheath himself immediately in her plush center. Only a foolish youngster, new to the games of love, plunged in rudely, even when so willingly invited by a strange lady. With all that had happened in the past, he was not about to question the fickle luck that brought this wanton temptress to him. Removing her hand from his ear, he generously laved her palm and then lowered it between his legs.

"Touch me, she-cat. Fold you hand around the present I will bestow upon you, into you, again and again until your inner petals drip with desire. "

He closed his hand over her, teaching her how to slide her slick palm along the silkiness of his rigid tool and polish the smooth knob with its ring of sensitive crenellations. His throaty growl of pure pleasure grew increasingly rusty as she breathlessly exclaimed:

"Oh! How huge you are! My dainty fingers cannot span your circumference! "

Her tentative ministrations could be borne no longer. Marcel patiently unwound her curled fingers and placed them on one of her puckered nipples. While she tentatively began toying with her pebbled mound, he leafed through her billowing folds to unveil the unbreached portal to her sanctuary of sensation. Yes, she was already flowing with the honey juices of love, and his nostrils flared at the alluring scent of her arousal. Parting her petals, he positioned the tip of his pulsating pirate against her entrance and swirled his hips with exquisite control. Her shocked gasp was his instant reward.

Ever so slowly he eased himself into her, reveling in the tight embrace of her throbbing interior. To ease the unavoidable moment of discomfort that would come next, he wriggled one hand between their entwined bodies and again performed his magic on her pink pearl of femininity. As she whimpered and writhed, distracted by the rising need he created, he inexorably pressed on against the membrane of inexperience barring his way. With a swift stroke of forceful control he pushed past the constriction and into that chalice of heaven-sent pleasure only a man may experience.

The slight moment of pain made Chastity hold her breath momentarily, but his rhythmical pounding sent waves of heat rippling out from her core of molten lava. She rose on that heat, circling like a raptor on the thermal winds. Soaring high, she daringly kissed him, fondled his tongue with her own and nearly screamed with the sudden surge of pleasure as he suckled her lower lip while increasing the pace of their dance.

She spread herself wider, urging him towards a goal she could not imagine. She felt him pressing his proud implement harder into her, swifter, harder as she panted with pleasure and joy. Suddenly, she felt his love juices burst their flood gates and inundate the parched receptacle called a womb. His moans and straining against her brought her to the edge of a chasm she had never suspected existed, and as she fell over the edge into star-shot darkness a warbling cry rose unbidden from her very soul: " I love you! I love you! You, and only you! Forever!"

When Chastity dreamily opened her eyes, her lover was buttoning his trousers in a businesslike manner. Suddenly aware of her look, he smirked with devastating charm and tossed a sovereign onto her bared mounds.

"Such a talented little cat! You have a great career ahead of you, if you can elaborate on what I just taught you. I've detracted the not insignificant value of my teaching from your customary fee, naturally."

The pain nearly choked her when she realized what he was saying. The upwelling tears transformed her eyes into sapphire pools of misery. As he turned and left, she called brokenly after his retreating back:

" No. Please, don't. Don't leave. Not like this. I love you. It is just a Big Misunderstanding. . . ."

Purple Prose as written by Carol Taylor as an homage "to Dara Joy - I just love her!":

Knight of a Thousand Volts

Cherry was simply following directions on how to test the batteries by pressing the little dot on the package when she felt herself spinning into a dark void.

"Bam, bam, bam. . . ."

A monotonous and annoying sound forced her awake. Shocked to see the Energizer Bunny setting on her chest she rubbed her eyes and took another peek.

"Where am I?", she demanded.

"Dry Cell! You scamp! She's mine!", a male voice declared.

Cherry watched in amazement as the Energizer Bunny hopped off her chest and scurried off. Electricity crackled all around. Cherry could smell ozone as if a lightening bolt room deodorizer was in use.

"Who are you and where are you from?" the voice was closer.

"I was at the Wal-Mart store," she replied. "The one in Dal Ass For Tworth Te Xas to be exact, and if you hope to gain all your battery customers by kidnapping. . . you don't stand a chance; not with today's enlightened consumer." As a one time secret shopper, Cherry had experienced every high-tech marketing technique in the book.

Her initial disgruntle diminished when she saw the gorgeous hunk that offered his hand to help her up off the floor. She mentally retracted her first impression, here was a man for Diehards if there were such a thing.

"Cherry. You can call me Cherry." she answered him as all 140 pounds of her heft lifted in his arms as light as a feather. "Do you carry rechargeables?" she breathlessly asked and thanked her lucky stars she had her makeup on.

"Who are these other rechargers you speak of?" The masculine beauty queried as his hands slid around Cherry's neck and his perfectly chiseled lips closed over hers. Bzzzzz, his kiss stunned her senseless.

"Why I've never felt so alive!" she exclaimed a moment latter.

"That was just a sample boost," he scoffed, "Aferall, am I not Gel Cell? Eveready charger and booster cable for little Candies like you?" Gel then proceeded to demonstrate his next two levels of energy.

Candies' board straight hair coiled into perfect sausage curls. The manicure on her toes melted and redried as fresh as new. "Oh Gel Cell." she breathlessly spoke in a newer more come hither voice, "I never dreamed it could be like this! Show me more, more, more. . ." In earnest she returned his affectionate caresses, but had difficulty keeping pace with him. Her clothes were being wisked away, while his seemed to be fastened with self locking fasteners. In a flash, a crack of lightening, she stood before him vibratingly bare.

"Turn around Candies, let me bestow you with more power." His words warmed her to her now pretty pink toes.

"Cherries," she corrected him while smoothly turning in his locknut grip. Her ripe peach derriere pressed against his shielded steel encased thighs.

"When things are bad Cause your circuits burned Reset, Reset Then plug me in again!"

Strange words she didn't understand, but he spoke them urgently before his teeth closed on her spinal column. "This is not the standard recharging you are about to receive," he warned her. His warm breath down her back sent amperes of desire through her limbs leaving her glowing incandescently.

He weighed each of her breast in his hands and murmured "D's at least, you've made me a happy man Candies, not that C's or even AAA's wouldn't have been appreciated," he quickly amended not wanting to spoil their first junction.

He smoothly released his wilderness sized torch from his trousers. Already glowing and sparking in readiness, he expertly introduced himself to her open socket. "This is not the position I would prefer for our first flash," he spoke as he wedged himself deeper. Gel preferred a triple prong connection to this standard safety, but he had to follow the dictates of his world's customs.

Candies was beginning to feel a new effect. Her body gave off a black light and soon everything took on a Disco look. "Ah, Gel Cell, you're so big!" Bam, Bam, Bam. . . her brain ceased to function as she gave into the new electrical urges he showed her. Her synapses were sparking charges that cleared every nerve gap in her body. "Sooo big!"

Gel Cell viewed the lovely Candies wrapped in his arms and knew his lifetime love was her AC to his DC. So moved by the feeling he gave her the special effect that all men of his world were sought for. Firmly gripping her on his torch, Gel Cell applied his latent energy. It vibrated.

"Ahhh. . . Candies you have drained me too fast!" he moaned in her ear after her fifth ear shattering orgasm.

"Oh Gel Cell! I have not broken you have I?" She turned her tear stained face up to his.

"Pzzzz! You need never worry about that my Candies." But his form began to fade into pink fuzz right before her eyes.

"Oh my!" Candies cried. "He's gone!"

Just then a pink Energizer bunny hopped on her lap. And kept going, and going and going. . . .

Purple Prose as written by Rhonda Drummond:

It was not such a routine search as Agent Queue thought it would be. She and Agent Ess were on their hands and knees in the tunnel, and their usually pristine black suits had an orangy dusting about them. The tunnel vibrated as they heard the hum of ship warming up. These aliens had no clearance to leave! They had to find a way to stop them quickly! Agent Queue moved as quickly as her crawling would allow, which gave Agent Ess a wonderful view of her tight, wool-covered bottom. He had had worse assignments. A slight smirk touched his lips, and he continued to follow his partner.

In a few moments they were out of the tunnel, and the giant spaceship loomed over them. A few human-looking creatures known as the Vajroli were doing last minute inspections here and there. Agents Queue and Ess stealthily moved to the ship's entrance. "Freeze! M.I.B.!" shouted Agent Ess. He held a simple-looking, yet very complicated weapon of unearthly origin. Agent Queue's weapon was known to all as simply "Noisy Cricket". The M.I.B. meant business. The workers froze.

"This is an unauthorized launch!" said Agent Queue. "Where's the pilot?"

The workers motioned toward the inside of the ship.

"You watch these guys. I'll stall him," said Agent Queue.

"Be careful, Q," said Agent Ess.

Queue disappeared into the ship, and met the pilot. She had known him since he first arrived at the M.I.B. headquarters three years ago. "Captain Laxmin! You have no authorization to leave Earth, let alone Colorado!"

The Vajroli captain seemed too human at times. His tresses cascaded down his back in some colour Queue could not identify. Could be brown, could be red, could be dark blond... He was all muscles and angles, covered in a green fabric Queue could not identify, yet his skin of his face was as smooth as an Earth toddler's. Laxmin's silvery eyes narrowed as they met with Queue's velvety brown gaze.

"I must leave. The Vajroli have gone to war with the Purbans. Earth was merely an outpost for us. Vajrol needs its pilots, its fighters, all of them."

"Not one leaves this planet until M.I.B. knows about it."

"Now they do." "You are very mistaken, Captain." Queue felt a warmth flooding her in strange places. No alien made her feel this way, in fact, Earth men rarely did.

"Perhaps you could persuade me to stay, Agent Q. . . " He ran his nimble hands through her silky chocolate-brown hair. He could feel her heat. Vajroli had enhanced senses, and this made intimate encounters very intense. He wondered if the dark-haired Earth female had ever had more than a mediocre experience.

"Well, if you have a war to fight," Queue whispered. . . .

"I don't think it's as violent as the war you fight within yourself, Agent Q." He felt a slight quiver come from her. He tried to hide his wisdom, but the sly smile that played over his face denied him from hiding this information. Agent Queue suddenly frowned in disgust at this alien's arrogance. "Go the hell home, then!" she scoffed.

"I really don't want to, since this planet offers so many niceties." Laxmin scanned every inch of Agent Queue's lush woolen-covered frame. He especially like those short skirts the female M.I.B. agents wore. That more females could be blessed with such legs as these. Laxmin had seen Agent Queue before, many times, and wondered how it would be to have her tanned gams wrapped about him.

"If you don't want to leave, then don't, at least until we have authorization."

"Let's just hope that takes some time."

"Time enough for what?"

"As if you didn't know, Agent Q." Laxmin's slow, easy strokes stopped, and he twirled Agent Queue about to face him. She didn't even have a nanosecond to think before his lips locked onto her own, hard in pressure, soft in texture, demanding in everything. Agent Queue attempted to break from the alien pilot's grasp.

"This is anything but professional, Captain!" she squeaked. She fumbled for her neuralizer, and found her hopes dashed when she realized that she had left it with Agent Ess.

"Don't go looking for your gadgets, Q," whispered Laxmin, hot against her ear. His teeth grazed at her earlobe. Agent Queue knew she would lose this fight. There was an external battle with the Vajroli captain, along with an internal battle of her own. He knew her thoughts, even though his race did not have telepathy. "Give into your own desires, Q."

Agent Queue no longer argued with that primitive part of her, and turn about to meet with Laxmin. "Again!" she urged. Laxmin wrapped about her, strong and sure, his kiss melting into her mouth, soft and sweet. She opened her lips to match this initial invasion, and retaliated with a sweet invasion of her own. She squirmed in surprise when she felt Laxmin's tongue tickle the back of her throat, and stopped when she thought about where this sensation might take her. She leaned back against the control panel. Multicolored light danced over the board and through her head. Her eyes were closed, and she relished in the sensual way Laxmin had suddenly taken control of her with his touch.

"You must enjoy all the pleasures your planet has to offer, Q," Laxmin said as he unbuttoned her woolen jacket. He moved her black tie aside, and quickly popped the buttons of her white oxford shirt, surprised to find a black lace bra binding her taut breasts. She had an amazing set, and they appeared to have defied the pull of gravity in her thirty-five years. Laxmin found the sight to be too tempting to hold back, and he nuzzled against her neck as his hands filled with her firm, fleshy mounds. The tips were hardening quickly, as was Queue's pulse. He moved down and laved at their tips with intricate accuracy, bringing a heat within her that she thought was long dead, and she wanted to do so much more.

"Laxmin, Captain. . . " Queue sighed. She grasped at the velcro straps of his suit, relishing in the ripping sound they made as she tugged on them. That was all that held his suit together. Such a wonderful invention! Which groups of aliens gave them that one? Not the Vajroli, but it worked so well on them! She ripped at the velcro tap just above the crotch of his suit, and his earthly member fell free, growing and pulsing. "So, this is what M.I.B. agents do for you," she whispered.

"Only certain ones. . . " He shuddered slightly when Queue wrapped her strong grip around him and stroked him slowly. Her hands were nimble and fast, then slow and lingering. What had she learned whilst in the employ of this agency? So many cultures came to this crossroads, it was hard to tell, but it was just so hard! How many other women from this planet had such an effect of him? He swallowed hard as he felt her do the same thing. Agent Queue's mouth replaced her hand, and she was sucking him, teasing him, taking him into a sweet oblivion. She lapped at that one secret place upon him that few women from any planet knew of, and she worked that little muscle for all its worth. His soft squeals and moans were enough to let Queue know she was stalling him quite well. "Q. . . , ooh, yeah. Ohh. . . "

Queue stopped a moment, only to say, "Can't answer you. Mouth is full."

"If you don't stop, it will be very full of something else."

Queue stopped, and pulled back. "I think I like where this is going." She came up to meet him, silver eye to brown eye. "Where is it going, Captain?"

Laxmin did his talking with his hands as they slid up beneath Queue's short, black skirt, teasing her pleasure bud through her cotton panties. His mouth claimed hers again, and she sighed into his kisses as she met her first climatic wave. Such skilled, manipulative fingers Vajroli men had. She hoped the Purban war would end soon so could experience more, but that was Laxmin's intention. To give her all he could in this short amount of time. Enough time for her partner to get the clearance he needed, but really did not want. She was very much ready, very wet, very slick with need.

"You don't usually do this, do you, Q?"

"Not often, no, but you made it so, Captain. Finish what you started!"

No more invitation was needed, and Queue flinched slightly when she heard the ripping of cotton, and acknowledged the fact that her panties were merely scraps now.

She gasped as he entered her warm recess, so long it had been since any man had been there, human or alien. His strokes were varied, quick and slow, shallow and deep, teasing and taking, taking and taking and taking her to her own brilliant galaxy of delight. She swept through her personal stars and rode through climatic vortexes of Laxmin's own making.

Laxmin relished in her garden of earthly delights, slipping further and further into his own walls of sensations and satisfaction. He plunged on and on as Agent Queue's womanly muscles milked him hard and tight. One last, stellar-bursting ebb took Agent Queue and Laxmin over the edge, and he erupted into her warm vortex, never wanting to come out of this black hole.

A few minutes of silence passed as they both collected their clothes and thoughts.

The quiet was broken by Agent Ess's voice. "Agent Queue?"

"Yes?" answered Queue.

"The Vajroli has been cleared to go home. Turns out the Purbans are pretty nasty."

"You can go on home, Captain," Queue said. "You will come back, though."

It was not a request.

"Far be it from me to break the statutes of the M.I.B., Agent Queue." No more was said, and Laxmin sealed his unspoken promise with a simple kiss.

"Unusual stalling tactics, Q," said Agent Ess.

"Who said I was stalling?"

Continue to next page

Issue #77 of Laurie's News & Views - details of the contest's outcome and reader response
Index for Laurie's News & Views (Check the index for "silly sex"/"purple prose")
Ferri Tales - There's plenty of purple prose here! (And a return link to the PPP section as well)

If you liked this parody,

try this one!