AAR
Click here for full forums index
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 
 
Has the world gone mad?
Goto page Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    AAR Forum Index -> General Chat Forum
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
xina



Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Posts: 6635
Location: minneapolis

PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This particular kid grew up, got a car as soon as he turned 16, hit a parked car, drove off, put his car away in their garage to hide it from the police, and didn't consider that his car, damaged from the accident, was leaking gas. Gas plus the pilot light to the water heater led to an explosion which almost burned the house down. I wonder who the mom blamed for that one.[/quote]



Wow...that's horrible. Was anyone hurt in all that? The kid in our neighborhood got a car right at 16 too. He too smashed it up, but his parents didn't let him drive for almost a year. Good for them on that one. I haven't seen much of him since he left for college...it's been 2 years now. I don't see his parents to talk to them, but I haven't seen his face on any Wanted Posters Rolling Eyes . I guess he's not wanted by the FBI.....yet.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
cheri



Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: michigan

PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a firm believer in both being a friend to your child and being a strict parent. All children NEED structure and without it go crazy. I can remember overhearing both of my kids at different times telling their friends they had strict parents. But both boys have come to us first when trouble has arisen or they are contemplating a decision. I would rather be there friend with a ear to lend then not. When my oldest was thinking about the military he refused to tell his mother (she always berated my husband for trying to be his friend) about it but we knew for months. And again when he was home for leave and dealing with a bad situation he came to us first while his mom was left wondering what was going on. I would rather in some circumstances be the one to inform(I'm thinking of the sex ed talk I had with my curious 10 yr old this summer) than to have them go to a friend their own age and get the wrong info. I do recall when I had my youngest and had him on a structured schedule with a bedtime having my sister in law telling me I was nuts and why did I do that and i should just relax about things. Her own child never had any of that and now at 16 is one of the worst kids I know. He respects no one and bosses her around telling her what he wants and usually gets all the time. I think there is a fine line but it is do able. you have to start young and reinforce. an out of control toddler that a parent doesn't take charge of because they love the child too much to do anything will be an out of control teenager that thinks he owns the world and is entitled to all of it regardless of respect and who gets hurt in the process. cheri
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
KathieO



Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 69
Location: Alaska

PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tee, Cheri and Xina: Your posts lead me to believe we are generally operating under some closely similar principles of parenting in the same fashion. However, I feel like I need to clarify my definition of the word "friend." To me it refers to something so much less than what a parent's relationship is with their child. I think I personally define the word to apply as it is more widely used and defined. . . amongst a child's peers. In no way did I feel I was my childrens' peer when they were growing up and I was still in the process of parenting them. That's just the way I feel about it. Was I "friendly" with my children as in trying to listen when they had concerns, and endeavored to support them the best way I knew how during those times? Absolutely.

That said, I can remember having a rule with myself to try and always sit quietly and let them express their feelings on any subject they felt they needed to without interruption; not offering teaching or advice until they felt they had conveyed to me all they needed to have their say. And believe me, I was biting my tongue many times! I wouldn't do it differently now, but I can honestly say often times as I sat their listening, I had a thought more than once that those same ideas they were expressing were both childish and ridiculously immature. Not everything, but substantive amounts of the content because they were children, not fully matured and their very expression of those childish thoughts and the ensuing discussion is what made me their teacher, parent and mentor, and not their "friend."

The people (some of my own siblings and "friends") that have made this "friend" statement that I've personally come to question, have probably also helped to "sour" me on using that term as the definition of my relationship with my children. It seemed to be adopted quite regularly by people I was not too admiring of their parenting skills and the result thereof.

Again, I think we are on the same page here, but I felt the definition of the word needed more clarification as I personally use and view it. (Sometimes only being able too "write" an expression of opinion can lose the more subtle information of in-person communication . . . aww well, I press forth as always to communicate effectively! Confused Smile) BTW, now that my children are fully grown, and two are even doing the parenting job themselves , I would definitely consider them my "friends" in certain aspects, as my job as "parent" is certainly done. Ironically, when I point this fact out to them at any particular discussion, they now want to protest the fact I no longer am required to do any parenting. (Another place I stand firm in drawing the definition line - I refuse to "parent" them as adults! Happily, I feel they have their acts together and the point is moot.) Smile
KathieO
_________________
"Life is Managed, Not Cured" (Phil McGraw)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Audrey



Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Posts: 194
Location: Alberta, Canada

PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with you, KathieO - I was not a friend to my children either and I think it's partly why I didn't really go through the empty nest syndrome. I take such joy in the change in relationship to more like a friend that I don't mind so much if I don't see them every day. I think that a lot of people use the term friend to their child not really literally but to mean that they have a good enough relationship to be able to talk or do things together peacefully and have fun.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
cheri



Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: michigan

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

KathieO, yes I agree. Especially on the not parenting as adults. My 18yr old Marine shouldn't be told what to do anymore. He has enough bosses right now. My husband and I have told him we are 100% supportive of what you do because we love you but we can no longer make decisions for you. It's not our job anymore, it's yours. We can lend advice and listen with open ears but in the end, you are an adult and it is your life to lead. I'm pretty confident that he will make good decisions. We just spent alot of time with his mother through all this and I even got sick of all her nagging and I don't have to live at her house. SHe tried to tell me she was putting a curfew on him when he comes home at xmas time. Rolling Eyes I thought, then don't plan on seeing him. If he can become a marine and deal with some very strict drill instructors screaming at him for 13 weeks straight, he is a man. I think by being a friend( in the terms you gave) then the lines of communication always stay open and who wouldn't want that for their child. cheri
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
LindaC



Joined: 26 Mar 2007
Posts: 32

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:19 pm    Post subject: Has the World Gone Mad Reply with quote

I agree about being a friend to your children. My oldest, a daughter, gave me fits during high school I heard ad nauseum about how her friends' mothers were much better than I, that they were their daughters' friends, etc. I just reminded my daughter that I already had enough friends, as did she and that she only has one mother.

When we were leaving her high school graduation, I commented that to her that, even though she wasn't quite 18, I now considered her an adult and that my direct supervision of her activities were at an end.

She gaped at me "But I thought you wanted me to go to college!"

My reply: "Yes, that is my dream for you. But for it to happen, it has to be your dream now."

She graduated from college last May. Most of her friends dropped out of high school.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
KathieO



Joined: 12 Aug 2008
Posts: 69
Location: Alaska

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cheri wrote:
We just spent alot of time with his mother through all this and I even got sick of all her nagging and I don't have to live at her house. SHe tried to tell me she was putting a curfew on him when he comes home at xmas time. Rolling Eyes I thought, then don't plan on seeing him. If he can become a marine and deal with some very strict drill instructors screaming at him for 13 weeks straight, he is a man.


Wow Cheri! Sounds like you are dealing with a pretty clinging ex-wife (I got you are your son's stepmother, is that right?). She may very well find out that any kind of "curfew" controls have been taken out of her control when he returns; being a soldier is one major maturing experience for an 18-year old. His mother probably has the "empty nest" problem Audrey was referring to, only it may not have developed via the "friend" question . . . she sounds like she has "control" issues instead (just won't let her child grow up)! Sounds like you have a good relationship with him though, so maybe he won't end up with "mother/female issues."

LindaC - Very nice point to your daughter (both discussions you had with her), but I do like your statement that she had plenty of friends but only one mother/daughter. Nice!
_________________
"Life is Managed, Not Cured" (Phil McGraw)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
cheri



Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Posts: 1350
Location: michigan

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KathieO wrote:
cheri wrote:
We just spent alot of time with his mother through all this and I even got sick of all her nagging and I don't have to live at her house. SHe tried to tell me she was putting a curfew on him when he comes home at xmas time. Rolling Eyes I thought, then don't plan on seeing him. If he can become a marine and deal with some very strict drill instructors screaming at him for 13 weeks straight, he is a man.


Wow Cheri! Sounds like you are dealing with a pretty clinging ex-wife (I got you are your son's stepmother, is that right?). She may very well find out that any kind of "curfew" controls have been taken out of her control when he returns; being a soldier is one major maturing experience for an 18-year old. His mother probably has the "empty nest" problem Audrey was referring to, only it may not have developed via the "friend" question . . . she sounds like she has "control" issues instead (just won't let her child grow up)! Sounds like you have a good relationship with him though, so maybe he won't end up with "mother/female issues."

LindaC - Very nice point to your daughter (both discussions you had with her), but I do like your statement that she had plenty of friends but only one mother/daughter. Nice!


Thank god for small miracles, my husband was never married to her. I'm sure she does it with love in her heart but controlling doesn't even cover what she does. In the end, we know the relationships are two differnet ones and we are thankful for the one we have with him. cheri
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Marcella



Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 223
Location: Denmark

PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Similar things happen in Europe.
I thought of this thread when I heard a radio campaign in the Netherlands which also nicely illustrates the loss of values: the authorities are politely requesting drivers to make way for rescue workers' vehicles after a motorway accident. You would think people would understand lives could be at stake and cooperate a bit.
But the worst is still to come: the incentive the authorities give is not the lives that can be saved, but they are actually stating that "the sooner you let them pass, the sooner they have cleared the road and the sooner you'll be on your way again".
I could not believe my ears and had to listen to it several times.
_________________
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read
Groucho Marx

Shelfari: http://www.shelfari.com/o1517877219
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Maggie AAR



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 2500

PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marcella wrote:
Similar things happen in Europe.
I thought of this thread when I heard a radio campaign in the Netherlands which also nicely illustrates the loss of values: the authorities are politely requesting drivers to make way for rescue workers' vehicles after a motorway accident. You would think people would understand lives could be at stake and cooperate a bit.
But the worst is still to come: the incentive the authorities give is not the lives that can be saved, but they are actually stating that "the sooner you let them pass, the sooner they have cleared the road and the sooner you'll be on your way again".
I could not believe my ears and had to listen to it several times.


Things got so bad in the states that they now give large fines ($10,000 for some infractions) and if you hit a road worker or vehicle you go to jail.

maggie b.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    AAR Forum Index -> General Chat Forum All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Goto page Previous  1, 2
Page 2 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group