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It's All Jim Butcher's Fault I Wrote This

 
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Kass



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 722
Location: under a cockatiel

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:36 am    Post subject: It's All Jim Butcher's Fault I Wrote This Reply with quote

Seriously. I was reading (apparently) his latest release, Small Favor, and came upon this quote on p. 14 of the text:

Quote:
"Rip her dress off!" Bob shouted.

Bob the skull takes paperback romances very seriously.

The above is written by Jim. The below was written by me.

And then this happened:
The Roughest Draft
Written by Kass, and no one else

Richard Saxton, Viscount Berwyn, was delighted. At last, he was alone with his much-desired bride. His wife, he thought, contented and proud. Heather Saxton.

She was already in his bed, the covers thrown back, her arms stretched out to him in open invitation. He walked over to her side and kissed her, wild with passion, loosening his dressing gown in preparation to enter her.

"Tear her dress off!"

Startled, Richard nearly fell off the bed. Damn it, not again! But Heather clung to him and began kissing him of her own accord, and he decided to ignore the insolent servant who clearly was being taken away by his betters now. He gently pulled at Heather's lacy nightgown, baring the creamy skin of her neck and upper chest to his heated gaze.

"God, lace always itches. She must be so uncomfortable."

Richard stopped and searched the room, his eyes sweeping from the window on his right all the way around to the door behind him, despite Heather's impatient cries. She moved his left hand to her right breast, moaning in relief as she felt his large hand -

"On her cutesy, tiny breast. Just like the author's. She always writes teeny breasts. What is with her?"

Richard sprang from the bed, thinking about Heather's perfectly shaped breasts that wouldn't droop and sag in a few years like yours, you ungrateful wretch.

"Enough! I have had enough of this!" Richard strode toward the connecting door to his dressing room.

"But, Richard. What am I to do?" Heather arose and followed him.

"Look, beloved. I have tried for over a week to make this work, but Someone," he said, glaring at The Author, who had sunk into a corner moaning, "keeps giving this work in progress to friends for their critique. I can't have sex with an audience!"

"But Richard, you're a well-known rake! And you were a famous general and spy in the army during the latest War!" Heather undid the buttons at the top of her gown and admitted to herself that yes, the damned lace did itch like hell.

Richard snorted in disbelief and ran his hand through his hair, disheveling it. "Sweetheart, that was in a few summary paragraphs at the beginning of this book. What have I done that's even remotely "rakish" since then? Nothing. I've looked at women and had sexual thoughts about them, just like every man does once he realizes what sex is. Otherwise, I've been kind and courteous to all women, including that crazy bitch of a mother of yours, who is the Villain's mistress and probably setting you up for a dramatic kidnapping before the end of this tale."

Heather and he turned toward the Author, whose hands now completely covered her face. She nodded slightly, and he continued.

"I'm leaving. I'm going to find Jack, and we're going off hunting for a long time. Alone."

He left, and Heather ripped off the damned nightgown. Fine. She'd take care of her sexual longings herself. She opened her hope chest and took out the sanded, shaped, and polished gleaming wood out of it (the thing had once been the end of a broom handle). Some wedding night this was turning out to be. Ah, well, this would certainly explain the lack of pain once Richard stopped being so damned sensitive and just fucked her.

"May I be of any assistance?"

Heather looked up and hurriedly moved the wooden penis under her pillow, trying to smile innocently. It was Rene, the evil dashing French pseudo-villain, standing in the doorway, surveying her womanly figure with appreciation. "Maybe," she said, remembering to pull the sheet over herself at last, but letting it droop in front somewhat.

He finished removing his shirt and wandered over to the bed, pulling off his pants and staring down at her intensely. "My book won't be written for quite some time." They both turned and stared at the Author, who waved a hand at him, and he continued. "The Rogues' Road, tentatively scheduled for October 2012, assuming this book and the second one sell well." He paused, outraged. "That's four years from now! You expect me to do without sex until then?" The Author smiled weakly and shrugged her shoulders.

"To hell with that." He removed the sheet and began caressing her entirely willing young body as she seized him and spread her legs wide, unwilling to wait any longer.

"You said it, Rene."

The Author remained mostly oblivious to their actions, remembering her first book, the only one published under Harlequin's brief Self-Parody label, The Conniving Courtesan's Virgin Gigolo. Ten years later, people still ranted about it all over the Internet. She did not want this book to have the same fate…or worse, show her who her truly mindless fans were by their praise of a really bad book she'd written.

She glanced over at the bed. Hm. Maybe this book could use a rewrite. Richard would never have done that with his tongue, and Heather did seem to have needs…
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Last edited by Kass on Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:20 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Linda in sw va



Joined: 27 Mar 2007
Posts: 4708

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahahahahaha, that was wonderful!! Maybe I should give Jim Butcher a second look. :)

Linda
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damfino



Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Posts: 32

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well he was inspired to start the Dresden Files because he read the Anita Blake series... I think we all saw this coming, Mr. Butcher! Damn you and your awesome series!


So if someone was aroused by that, it'd be weird... right? Embarassed
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Charlotte McClain



Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 400
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:03 am    Post subject: A treat Reply with quote

That was great. I'm going to have to start taking my friend who's been pushing Butcher on me seriously. (If I don't come around for a while, you might want to check. I could be buried alive under my TBR pile.)
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Diana



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 1044
Location: Washington DC

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

His wife Shannon K Butcher writes romantic suspense -- fairly hot stuff. She credits him with "teaching me how to write" in one of her books.

Maybe they should think about a collaboration? Cool
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Kass



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 722
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This book was a lot of fun. I didn't like one of his earlier books I tried, Summer Knight, but Small Favor had tons of funny touches and was really great.

And of course, anything that inspires romance parodies from Kass is a good thing. Smile
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Susan/DC



Joined: 26 Mar 2007
Posts: 1669

PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:09 pm    Post subject: Jim Butcher Reply with quote

Another example of how AAR promotes all kinds of books: after reading this excerpt I bought the first of the Harry Dresden series. Just doing my bit to help the economy.

P.S. I've got no idea if Butcher meant to satirize any specific authors, but I didn't have to read many of Amanda Quick's books to realize that her heroines are always small busted, even though they differ in most other physical traits.
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Kass



Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 722
Location: under a cockatiel

PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:28 pm    Post subject: Re: Jim Butcher Reply with quote

Susan/DC wrote:
Another example of how AAR promotes all kinds of books: after reading this excerpt I bought the first of the Harry Dresden series. Just doing my bit to help the economy.

P.S. I've got no idea if Butcher meant to satirize any specific authors, but I didn't have to read many of Amanda Quick's books to realize that her heroines are always small busted, even though they differ in most other physical traits.

I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear above, but to make things perfectly clear now:

I WROTE THE PARODY ABOVE, BASED ON THE SHORT QUOTE FROM JIM BUTCHER. I WROTE IT.

Yes, I had Amanda Quick in mind. Clever readers will also find references to discussions on AAR and Kathleen Woodiwiss in there.
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Susan/DC



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:09 pm    Post subject: Parody Reply with quote

Kass wrote:

I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear above, but to make things perfectly clear now:

I WROTE THE PARODY ABOVE, BASED ON THE SHORT QUOTE FROM JIM BUTCHER. I WROTE IT.

Yes, I had Amanda Quick in mind. Clever readers will also find references to discussions on AAR and Kathleen Woodiwiss in there.


Of course, on rereading your post, I saw that you said you wrote the part below (which was the majority of it). Too bad the purple prose parody contest was discontinued, because your entry would probably have got my vote. Not purple, but definitely a good satire of romance cliches.

P.S. I'll still read the Butcher book.
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Linda in sw va



Joined: 27 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 6:19 am    Post subject: Re: Jim Butcher Reply with quote

Kass wrote:

I WROTE THE PARODY ABOVE, BASED ON THE SHORT QUOTE FROM JIM BUTCHER. I WROTE IT.
.


I did not realize you had wrote it Kass, you did a great job, it was hilarious! :)

Linda
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