Sentences You Won’t Find in Romance Novels

notromantic Although romance has departed far from its more formulaic patterns in the 1970s and earlier, becoming more diverse and thus more forgiving of ingredients that break the mold, still there are situations that are considered just too unromantic to be included, as common as such situations may be in real life. Let’s liberate them, and give them some space here!

  • Nate, however hard you try, I don’t think I will orgasm tonight. Would you mind just getting to it?
  • I. Really. Hate. Public. Proposals. What are you thinking of, putting me in this position?
  • When was the last time you changed your socks, Jack?
  • Actually, getting oral sex doesn’t do anything for me. Could you please just kiss my neck instead? Mmmmm…
  • Zoey, I hate to give you this ultimatum, but either your dog is out of the bedroom when we have sex, or I’m out of here.
  • I am deeply flattered that after you shagged women by the dozens, you now claim I’m your one true love. Still, you’ll have to go to a clinic to be checked for STDs before this goes any further.
  • Lovely diamond! Do you have a certificate to prove it’s no blood diamond?
  • Darling, I love to cuddle before going to sleep, but then it’s separate halves of the bed, and separate blankets. No spooning for me, thank you very much!
  • Heather, would you mind removing your make-up before going to bed? I don’t fancy changing the pillow-cases every morning.

You are cordially invited to add your ideas!

 - Rike Horstmann

Tags: ,

41 Responses to “Sentences You Won’t Find in Romance Novels”

  1. Jane AAR says:

    Ha! Love it! Especially the blood diamond and public proposal ones. A friend of mine, while under the influence of anesthesia/pain killers after wisdom teeth removal, made it very clear to her boyfriend that she DOES NOT want a diamond engagement ring, because they’re mined by children and sold by drug and arms lords. And have you seen videos of public proposals where the guy gets shot down? Painful.

  2. Magdalen says:

    My pick: “Sweetie, it’s made of silk and isn’t going to rip no matter how hard you try…” and its corollary: “Hey, bub, that underwear cost me good money! I hope you’re planning to replace it…”

    Substitute shirt (right, like buttons fly off like magic…), dress, etc. for the undies. Those scenes bother me both as being unbelievable and profligate!

  3. Leigh AAR says:

    Very funny, and TRUE. . .. Thanks for the great chuckle for the morning.

    (and yes I have thought at least one of those mentioned)

  4. Donna says:

    Lead male character “I don’t have any commitment issues. All of my male role models had long term, loving relationships. I abhor one night stands. I’m actually looking for a long term relationship.” Haha!!

  5. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by All About Romance, chrisredding. chrisredding said: RT @AllAboutRomance: Rike is talking about sentences you just won't find in romance novels. http://tinyurl.com/4sk4rf6 [...]

  6. AAR Sandy says:

    “Sorry, lovely to be awakened by your engorged shaft, but before I can take that sword of pleasure into my woman parts, I really need to pee.”

  7. AARPat says:

    Fah! After a night of fine dining and drinking, I’d really like to have both of us brush and floss before we explore each other’s mouth with our tongues.

    Harry, I’m not about to make out in your sports car like a crazed sex gerbil. I’d have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow if I did.

    Of course I’ll make love to you with your recent bullet wound in the shoulder/leg/arm/etc. There’s nothing sexier than a man in pain.

    Oh, this is too much fun!

  8. Em says:

    Very funny entries!

    Heroine: “Dearest,I know you wanted to sleep physically entwined (like our souls), but my arm is numb and I think I have dislocated my shoulder.”

  9. ash says:

    Female lead:

    ” Darling, that was amazing…….but I must get up and wash your gunk off of me before we fall asleep.”

    “You Cad, don’t even think about rolling on to my side of the bed so I have to sleep in the wet spot.”

  10. Rike says:

    Oh, these are lovely entries! You had me chuckle so loudly that my husband enquired what was going on!

  11. Fay says:

    (Time-travel novel)
    Hero (shocked): Oh love, do you have a dreaded disease in your “Love-triangle” – your nether curls are gone!
    Heroine (aghast): My love, I wanted to tell you sooner, but caught in our fit of medieval passion, I didn’t know how to tell you – I’m from the year 2010 and this is from a Brazilian waxing…

  12. SandyCo says:

    For paranormal novels: “It’s so nice to know that you’re not attracted to me for my wits, charm, or even my physical assets instead of the mysterious compulsion that has convinced you I’m THE ONE. That’s so romantic and sexy.”

  13. Leigh AAR says:

    We are running for our life (and or my child is kidnapped) and you think I am in the mood for sex?

  14. Sally says:

    Leigh, thanks for the laugh out loud moment.

  15. Laura says:

    “Despite the fact that we’ve been on the run for days and you apparently never even need to pee, I’m human. Find me a tree and walk out of ear-shot, please.”

    “I actually have had sex before. And it was pretty damn good.”

    Hero: “I know that I purposefully set out to make you fall in love with and I banged you like a drum, all the while thinking that you were both the town bike and the daughter/niece/suspected lover/neighbour/dog walker of the man who RUINED MY LIFE IN SOME MYSTERIOUS MANNER AND TURNED ME INTO THE BITTER AND TWISTED PERSON YOU SEE BEFORE YOU, before I humiliated you in public, insulted you, ignored your very reasonable arguments and Turned Away with my Cold Unforgiving Stare, but now I’ve got over all that and hey, I do love you. Have my babies?”

    Heroine: “No.”

  16. Judy says:

    Enjoyed reading all entries, which were really humorous and very true to real life. Thanks for making my day!

  17. Bec says:

    hahaha…those were all for a good laugh…but romance novels wouldn’t be where they were today if they had those “touches of reality” in them…still, very enjoyable!

  18. Jen Tullis says:

    Rolling on the floor! Thanks for making me laugh today. With all the snow and ice, I haven’t felt like laughing today.

    Blah in Indiana,

    Jen

  19. kathy says:

    You’re such a drama king!

  20. JMM says:

    Heroine: “Gawd, shut UP. I don’t want to hear yet another rant about your evil ex-wife. YOU married her, so either she has some good points or YOU were a complete moron.”

  21. HeatherS AAR says:

    These are great! My peals of laughter have the dogs looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

    Heroine: “For heaven’s sake, would you stop this ridiculous brooding already and just SNAP OUT OF IT?!?”

  22. Dabney says:

    “Wow–now I see why they call it purple prose! Have you seen a physician? I mean, that kind of swelling could be dangerous. Not to mention, that hue is not a color found in nature.”

  23. Diana says:

    “Since I’ve just discovered that for 386 pages you’ve been lying to me about who you are and that your motives for seducing me are evil and stupid, I don’t love you any more.”

  24. Sterling95 says:

    Hero or heroine:
    “Yeah, that’s my ex. We get along great, it just wasn’t the right time for us.”
    “When I said I hated dogs/cats/horses, I wasn’t kidding and I don’t care how adorable your pet is.”
    “It’s way too early in this relationship for sex. Can’t we talk instead?”
    “If we are going to have protection-less sex, I’ll expect a full physical, along with blood work before any clothes come off.”

    Hero:

    “No offense honey, but I HATE the way you taste.”
    “Ah, I don’t care about my money or career, my job is to be a husband and father.”
    “So what if that guy insulted you/me, just let it go!”
    “The silk and lace are nice, but I’m more of a PVC and vinyl guy myself.”
    “Those shoes are absolutely wrong for that outfit.”

    Heroine:

    “I didn’t stay a virgin until 30 just to screw a guy on the second date.”
    “Wow, is that it? I thought it’s be bigger.”
    “Bugger off, it’s my money and I’ll spend it however I please.”
    “He’s definitely The One, but he’s not the best lover I ever had.”
    “You’re rolling around naked with another woman? Oooo, let me get the camcorder!”

  25. [...] All About Romance: Sentences you won’t find in romance novels. Some of those are just funny, but I’d actually like to see some of those in romance novels at [...]

  26. Rike says:

    “You keep telling me you’re not good enough for me. Well, you’re the one who ought to know. So farewell, and have a nice life!”
    “Can I offer you a peppermint?”
    Hero: “You look lovely, as always. Can we go now? Er – this is a NEW dress? Should I have known?” (This is actually a quote from my father.)

  27. JMM says:

    “NO, you are not the father of my child. I met someone else a few weeks after we broke up.”

    “Yes, I’ve had sex with another guy – did you expect me to be celebate for a DECADE?”

    “No, I’m not quitting my job to move to a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere!”

    “That’s none of your business. Being nosy is not the same as caring.”

    “Damn, I LOVE being a vampire.”

    “Damn, I LOVE living in a big city!”

    “No, Dad/Mom/Bro/Sis. I DON’T forgive you for: Embezzling my money/sleeping with my fiance, abusing me, selling my virtue to the highest bidder to stay out of prison, etc. I don’t care if you’re FAAAAAAAAMMMMMIIIIIILLLLLYYYYYYY, you suck!”

    “The people who adopted me ARE my real family.”

    “No, I don’t feel guilty about giving up my child for adoption as a homeless teenager.”

  28. xina says:

    “I left this town soon after graduation 15 years ago. I can’t believe you people still hang out together and talk about the same things. Are all of you stuck in a time warp??? Ever thought about moving on? Try it.”

  29. annmartina says:

    “Thank you for nursing me through a life-threatening fever. It’s broken now and I’ve woken up sticky with sweat, my hair feels like oily straw, and my teeth feel fuzzy. I’ve never felt sexier.”

  30. Jane says:

    “Look, it’s sweet and all that you want to give me a morning kiss…but can you please brush your teeth first?”

    “Can you give me a moment to reapply my deodorant before we are going to have the hot sweaty sex?”

  31. xina says:

    “Not now hun, I’ve got a headache” (says hero or heroine)

  32. Anne says:

    LOL at annmartina! One of best on a long lists of good lines.

  33. barbie says:

    Hero: Look you can stand there and look at me half undressed or we can make a baby .
    Heroine: A baby ? What about my fab career? The one you promised I didn’t have to give up to be with you ?

    Hero:Honey, I made no promise like that . Either we make a baby now or I will go and make a baby with the villianess.
    Heroine: Fine! Just let me swallow my birth control pill stop kissing me! you are getting me to so hot that I can’t remember where I put them! (moans) stop! you are forgetting the condom!

  34. mingqi says:

    We need a romance novel that will break the 4th wall and use some of these lines!

  35. Aris says:

    Some of these are fantastic! What a riot!!!

  36. [...] I am talking so much about romance novels this week, read this for [...]

  37. I like the valuable information you provide on your articles. I?ll bookmark your weblog and check again right here regularly. I’m moderately sure I?ll learn many new stuff right right here! Good luck for the following!

  38. animals says:

    dog training blog…

    [...]Sentences You Won’t Find in Romance Novels « All About Romance’s News & Commentary Blog[...]…

  39. Phyllis Dodrill says:

    This surprises me a little, I thought they would wait until the season was over. My fear is a new kicker might have trouble mastering kicking at home. No doubt a change had to be made sometime, GO STEELERS!

  40. Keva Maranda says:

    I think I knit into the front and back of the stitch to increase. Do you mean a YO (yarn over)? A M1 increase, aka invisible increase, is the one where you lift the bar between the stitches from the front and knit into left side of it (twisting the stitch). It shouldn’t cause a hole, so that would be a good choice, too.

Subscribe without commenting