Lynda X: To me the argument that people are not naturally monogamous is irrelevant.People are not naturallyunselfish, honorable, hard-working, etc.Only in the arena of sexuality do we hear this argument.No one says of a person with a violent temper, “Well, people are not naturally self-controlling, therefore, we have to accept this behavior.”If we limited our expectations of people to what they were naturally, it’d be actually chilling.The few marriages I have known that attempted to be “open” eventually ended.I have known a few where the marriage continued, even after adultery was discovered, but I can’t testify whether it was stronger afterwards.I can’t judge that, and have never been in a position with a faithless mate.I, personally, have enormous respect for both the mate and the strayer who manage to improve the marriage after such devastation.

Brava! Bravissima!

That was outstanding. Learning to control one’s urges is part of being an adult. Taking responsibility for one’s actions is part of being an adult. Don’t get married if you don’t think you can stick with it. It really is that simple.

…once I got to the gender-essentialist b.s. whining that “men have NEE-E-E-D-S, women just don’t UNDERSTA-A-A-AND”, I too started hunting around for the cast-iron skillet.

There are a lot of things I want in life — another doughnut, that sparkly diamond necklace in the window, to punch annoying customers in the face, and yepper dawg, an up close and personal encounter with Hawt Random Stranger.

I don’t take them because I am an adult, and I have learned not to indulge desires that I know darn well will hurt me and others in the long run.

And I want the h/h in my romances to be at least as grown up as I am.

I think infidelity can be part of an incredible story, as witness the ones mentioned in this article, all of which are keepers for me.

I’d never thought about it quite that way, but it was beautifully said, and I agree 100%.

I don’t think that those of us who have a hot button about infidelity are afraid of it in RL. I’ve been married 40 years and if we haven’t been unfaithful yet, I doubt it will happen now.
My reason for not reading about infidelity is that I want to believe in an unconditional HEA, not about two persons who have to ‘settle’ . If I can’t get that ‘fell good’ feeling at the end of the book, why read it?

Lynda X: To me the argument that people are not naturally monogamous is irrelevant. People are not naturally unselfish, honorable, hard-working, etc. Only in the arena of sexuality do we hear this argument. No one says of a person with a violent temper, “Well, people are not naturally self-controlling, therefore, we have to accept this behavior.” If we limited our expectations of people to what they were naturally, it’d be actually chilling.

So true. On a lesser scale, when I’m at an intersection stopped by a red light and there is not even one other car on the road, I am tempted to just go through it. But I don’t for two reasons: it’s the law to stop on red and I may get caught and have to pay the consequences. We human beings need to continually work to stay in control of some of our less desirable emotions which could fly out of control at any time. That’s what sets us above the animals—our ability to think and form logic to create a better world for all, not just for our selfish selves, if we allowed it. Thank goodness the majority of people work at countering some of these basic instincts; a world without self-control would be a world totally out of control.

So maybe that’s a thumb on the scale when I say that I could deal with sexual infidelity before emotional infidelity. Having an affair that combines both? Deal breaker for sure. Sexual infidelity that’s recurring, i.e., the Eliot Spitzer “Client #9″ nonsense? Deal breaker.

But the one-time got-drunk-on-a-business-trip hook-up? I could live with that provided I never knew about it.

That’s what we’re really talking about, isn’t it? The infidelity, not the emotional trauma of having the spouse tell the other about the infidelity. A spouse who cheats is guilty even if the non-cheating spouse never knows.

Even so, I don’t want to know. My motto: live with the guilt, scumbag.

There’s a theory that, by telling of the infidelity, the cheating spouse is communicating his/her current value in the market. So, however much the cheating spouse says it’s to be honest, and the guilt was weighing too hard, etc., etc., what’s really being said is “other people still want me.”

And that’s the worst betrayal of all. Because if my husband needs to game me, all bets are off.

As a romance reader, I could understand a non-cheating spouse forgiving the cheater in fiction if the character arc for both protagonists showed real growth, real redemption, payment in full of the moral debt, and somehow a better relationship than what they had before the cheating. As you can imagine, that would be a tough book to write in a convincing manner. But never say never…

The key to a successful relationship (and I include stable longterm committed relationships without a marriage certificate) is communication. Once things start getting serious, both partners should sit down and frankly discuss issues such as sexual preferences, infidelity, do we need the marriage certificate or not, do we want children, etc… Because one frank discussion, even if it is uncomfortable, is a lot better than a lot of heartbreak down the road.

Infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me (actual physical infidelity, not watching porn or going to a strip bar. I have never had a problem with that, though some women do). Things might be different for other couples and that’s okay, too. The important thing is to talk about it.

As for romances, stories about infidelity and marriages on the rocks are not my favourites, though I will read them if I trust the author to do a good job.